The Hell Mouth

Excerpts from a Dog's  Diary......
  
   
8:00 am - Dog food!   My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride!  My  favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park!  My  favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!   My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch!  My favourite  thing!
1:00 pm -  Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail!  My  favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones!  My  favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball!  My  favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow!  Watched TV with  the people!  My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed!   My favourite thing!

Day 983 of  my captivity.
My captors  continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling  objects.
 
They dine lavishly on fresh meat,  while the other inmates and I are fed hash  or some sort of dry  nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly  clear, I nevertheless must eat  something in order to keep up my strength.

i loved this lol 

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING:   I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:   You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING:   She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:   She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING:   Perhaps I can work late .

INSTEAD OF:   And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING:   I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:   No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING:   Really?

INSTEAD OF:   You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING:   Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:   Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING:   I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:   It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING:   That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:   What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING:   I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:   This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING:   I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:   Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING:   He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:   He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING:   Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:   Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING:   So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:   Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING:   I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:   F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING:   I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:   Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING:   I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:   This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING:   You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:   Who the f___ died and made you boss?  

Number 18

TRY SAYING:   He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:   He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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 Subject:  Globalizatio

LUIGI DEANGELIS

A serial sex offender is back on the streets and cops are warning Winnipeg women to watch out.

Luigi Deangelis, 40, was released from Stony Mountain Institution yesterday after serving an 18-month sentence for breaching terms of a long-term supervision order prohibiting him from drinking alcohol.

Winnipeg police issued a warning yesterday stating Deangelis, who has a long history of attacking adult women, is expected to take up residence in the city and is at a high risk to reoffend in a sexual or violent manner.

Deangelis was originally arrested in 1999 and pleaded guilty in 2003 to charges relating to five random and violent sexual attacks.

He was sentenced to three years on three charges of sexual assault, break and enter and possession of a weapon.

Police issued a warning similar to yesterday's when the former truck driver was released from prison in October 2006. Within a month, Deangelis was arrested for breaking a probation order by purchasing and drinking alcohol.

In June 1996, Deangelis was convicted on 10 counts of criminal harassment, nine counts of indecent phone calls, one count of committing an indecent act and possession of a prohibited weapon

Police said the crimes, which occurred in 1995 and involved 17 different victims, had a "sexual element" to them. 
 

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