| sky melanie 的个人资料The Hell Mouth 照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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7月18日 dogs and catsExcerpts from a Dog's Diary......
i loved this lol 4月5日 thing you can say insteadDear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late . INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You, Human Resources 3月22日 unbelivableOk,.. so this is the story! quite a few of you know where i work, for those that dont,.. i work in a mall,.. so anyways i get coffee from work for free,..(cause i work there) so im outside haveing a smoke before work,.. talking to a friend of mine,.. when this guy comes up to us and asks us for money to get coffee. I of course said no,. i have no money,.. i work there so i got my coffee for free. He asked again and i made myself more clear and explained it again! I said,.. you dont understand,.. i got it for free,.. i have no money to help you buy a coffee. so then he asked me for and get this,.. he then asked me for my coffee  unbelivable!! i have been asked if i want to buy drugs,.. if i have drugs,.. for money and smokes and other unmentionable things lol but my freggin coffee?? plz ppl! 2月10日 GLOBALIZATION Subject: Globalizatio
12月4日 OVERTIMEHow come work calles me for over time on the one day i cant come in ??? argggg oh well,..
Work work,.. its alright
Work work,.. it makes me feel light
I bake and cook and decorate
Its my life,.. cooking and cleaning is my fate
At home at work,.. its never done
At least i like it,.. its lots of fun.
On my feet for 8 hours or more
Working till my bodys tired and i hit the floor!
Im really sorry about today,.. i cant come in
Even though u offer pay
¤Âñgè£ûs¤ 9月16日 TRAFFIC TICKET Sent to me by ~*Sharon*~ thanks woman lol
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied,"I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. And with a grin ear to ear, she answered "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS 7月28日 FOR WOMEN TO READ ONLY"actual letter to procter and gamble"
Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad,and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep...Always. Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX 7月22日 JUST FUNNY
7月18日 CANINEemailed to me by my friend sharon
 thanx womanThought for the Day... Handle every situation like a canine.... If you can't Eat it or Screw it, Piss on it and Walk Away. 7月17日 GOOD ONEdamn this is a good one...lmao
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards,you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess." 7月9日 FEMALE COMEBACKSHaven't I seen you someplace before? Is this seat empty? How do you like your eggs in the morning? 7月3日 THE FORKS-CANADA DAYHey all,.. just wanted to tell you all about my canada day experience. We(mykids) and i went to the forks for canada day. we drove there in our friends moter home with there kids. (very loud) there was a pow-wow there,.. some really beautiful costumes and of course great banging on drums and traditional native music!! so we were walking around checking out all the stuff when we came to the sk8 park. i managed to get all the kids close enough to see the bikers and skateborders. i thought the stroller was getting bumped or something,.. but when i looked down at my daughter ( 2 yrs old) in her stroller, she was head banging so hard to the music the stroller was rocking!. she was clapping and screaming for the guys on bikes. (pure joy on her face) so after that we were walking around somemore,.. and we came accross some ppl playing with fire(very well done show) again my daughter was rockin out to the free flowing music that blanketed the forks. Totally amused by the fire ppl she was again screaming,.. hooting and hollering and clapping. Pointing her little fingers saying "look!! fire!!" lol i have never seen a 2 year old rock out so hard in a stroller before!! all the kids had a good reaction to the party going on. Im just a little flabbergased at my babys reaction to the whole thing,.. i dont think she has ever seen so many ppl in one place before!! anyways the fierworks were ok,.. i have seen better,.. im just glad all the kids had a great time !!! C U NEXT YEAR CANADA!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY
¤Âñgè£ûs¤
6月30日 POLITICS A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit STALKING A PREGNENT LADYsent to me by Jackie,.. good giggle eh ?
Stalking a Pregnant Lady
6月20日 JUST A FEW OF THE THINGS WE SAY TO/ASK OUR KIDS EVENTUALYWhy do you ask the same question over and over thinking the answer will change ?
How do you manage to break the unbreakable ?
Is that a rock ?
Where are my keys, cell phone, sunglasses?
Your going to eat it and your going to like it !!
SHUUUUUT-UUUUUUP!!!!!!!
Did you just say what i think you said ?!?!?!
Wheres your home work ?
someone called for you,.. said they were your bfriend/gfriend
Why do you have a condom ?
NO! no killing your brother/sister!!
Where are you ? i know your hear somewhere!
So ,.. when do your dad and i get to meet your boyfriend/girlfriend
I have baby pictures and i know how to use them!!
I want you on your best behaviour,..ARE YOU LISTINING TO ME ?
5月25日 9 WORDS WOMEN USE9 Dangerous Words Women Use--It's The Gospel
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house 3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine. 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission, Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.) 6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3. 5月24日 THOSE BORN 1930-1979Those Born 1930-1979 READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best ri sk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! If YOU are one of them.CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" 4月21日 NIKI SANDERSresults of tickel test!!! good for me lol
Wow, you're
 Niki Sanders! You know you're one tough cookie. But people really adore you for your soft side. Of course you can take care of yourself, but you also make sure to take care of those around you, and, hey, you always look good doing it! 4月18日 TOO MANY CARBSemailed to me by cheri bomb
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canada or Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canada or Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canada or Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canada or Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canada or Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. |
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